Plenty has been written about how to make the first date the perfect one. Many more will spring up as 14th February nears. And hence I’m not interested in writing about it. Here’s something different – ‘how to screw up your first date’. This one’s only for you ladies. Oh please don’t get that crease between your brows. You never know when you might need this advice. I can think of two instances already.
- There’s this guy you have wanted to go out with for a long time but now that you finally have you realise that he’s more than pathetic. And you need to run!
- Your parents want you to meet this chap because ‘rishta aya hai’ (marriage proposal has arrived). But you have no intentions of wearing the wedding band. This, girl, is your escape route. (of course you can always try the ‘let me explain to my parents why I don’t want to settle down’ but I don’t think they would work. They rarely do.)
Here, then, is one of the most useful ‘how to’s’ that you will ever come across. 🙂
Laugh Like A Jenny-Ass
You heard right. No, not the coy and shy one. Literally laugh. Guffaw. Like a jenny-ass. Even when you don’t need to. Let the guy think that you are so dumb that you don’t understand the serious from the funny. Umm, yes, you might say that why should I do anything that will mar my persona. But then, given the circumstances, is escaping more important or maintaining your super chic personality?
Drink Yourself Drunk
If it’s a prospective groom that you are going to meet then this might get him to run off. But if it’s a fun guy-girl date then it just might backfire. After all India still lives amidst farce – girlfriend needs to be sexy in small clothes and wife needs to be sari clad and demure. Quite naturally, thus, the former would be allowed to drink! It will get the ‘boyfriend’ to have more ‘fun’ (yes, you are allowed to read more into the ‘fun’ word).
Ah! The sure shot success formula. The man’s ego will not allow him to meet you ever again. Argue, analyse, judge, express – do any. Or do all. The conversation is sure to end soon. The date will end sooner.
Dress for the Occasion
You can’t do much if you have already arrived for the date only to realise after that, that this man’s not for you. Use the other methods in that case. But, if you know from beforehand that you want to spoil this date then dress for the occasion. Or, should it be, ‘un-dress’ for the occasion. For the groom put on a tank top and a short skirt and for the would-be-boyfriend-who-went-wrong a salwar kameez with a neatly pinned dupatta and even more neatly combed and plaited hair would do. I just hope it’s summer when this happens! Winter makes even the prettiest look like a teddy bear!
Your Boyfriends Stay
Very sweetly tell him that you have grown up with boys as your friends. That you don’t relate to girls and what they talk about. So, even when the two of you take the relationship to the next level, these ‘boyfriends’ will stay. No man likes competition. Even when he knows that there are none. His power of imagination will work over his power of logic. Trust me!
Eat To Your Heart’s Content
Petite girlfriend who eats little. Petite wife who eats little. India’s men agree on one thing at least. So, if you want to screw up your date, all you need to do is to order the food with highest calories and eat it with aplomb. Don’t make that face! A couple of hours at the gym and all this will burn off. At least you would have gotten rid of the ‘rubbish’. Can’t you eat a few cupcakes for your freedom?
Blow Your Own Trumpet
Speak intelligently. Talk on subjects he doesn’t expect you to know about. Praise thyself over the knowledge that you have. Ya ya go on an boast about your marks in your board exams (I’m assuming that they are worth boasting about). You have more degrees than him? Show off! The male ego will make him run miles away from you. Chauvinism runs high in what the society calls the ‘stronger sex’.
Your Family First
This one will work excellently when the date is with the groom-material-man. Tell him how much you love and respect your family. How much they mean to you. How grateful you are for everything that they have done for you. And so, quite naturally, if you ever had to choose them over someone you would always choose them. No one has any competition here. The very chivalrous groom-to-be might just suddenly excuse himself and leave the table because he gets a phone call from his office from which he never returns. And so that’s the last you see of him! Pay the bill and walk out into the world of independence!