Need the Want, Don’t Want the Need

need vs want

You walk into a cake shop and buy the blueberry cupcake because you are addicted to sweets. And you do nothing to curb your urges. On the other hand, you go with a group of friends and take a bite of the cake over a lot of laughter and fun.

The first you can’t do without. It makes you needy and go weak for it. You are scared to stay without it.

The second makes you happy. It rejuvenates you.

It is the same with ‘needing’ and ‘wanting’ a person.

If you are with someone because you are scared to be alone then you just need the person. Such need often make many linger on in unhappy and even abusive relationships.

People are instinctive by nature. They will know when you are feeling lonely and vulnerable. They will pick this moment of need in you and turn it into a powerful moment for themselves. They will start to take advantage of you – mentally and physically – because they know that you will not run. They will feel secure because they know that you will tolerate everything – no matter how bad the s***. All that will happen to you though is that you will be left feeling desperate and lonely.

When need comes into play in a relationship, the balance slips away. You will keep trying to be good enough for the person, but you never will. And the other, will continue riding over you, quashing your self confidence more each day.

A need based ‘love’, is actually no longer love. After all love is voluntary and it doesn’t come from desperation. When you are needy, love turns into an addiction that you don’t want to give up on because you are scared to face the changes. And for the partner, he continues to use both overt and covert ways to control you maliciously.

Actually, we need the need because, more often than not,  there is something that’s wrong with us. For example, if someone hasn’t experienced love from others like parents and relatives in her youth, then the first person who shows her some importance, she falls in love with, even if he doesn’t match her criteria of the future partner.

Another example could be her ‘falling in love’ simply to escape from her own problems. Thinking that ‘I’m in love’ will reduce her bad moods. But that’s like eating jungle berries because you lost your way – and not because you put an effort to find your way to those berries because you wanted them. You just grabbed and ate them because you were hungry and that is all that was available, even though it might not be healthy or safe. In such cases, once the problem solves out, the love also leaves.

In a sentence: “Relationships based solely on needs aren’t healthy.”

Wanting someone, on the other hand, gives the relationship positivity. You are with him because it’s your wish. You can get up and walk away but you choose not to do that because he makes you happy. He fulfils your desires and makes you go weak in the knees.

True love is where a healthy balance of both come in. There is attraction and you crave for more from him. At the same time there is a sense of familiarity and assurance that makes you feel secure. That’s the need part of it. The thing is, love has never really been black and white. It’s grey. It’s magical. It’s healthy. So go on and give in to love that is a mix of insatiable want and lazy dependency. But when you begin your search for it, don’t be scared to leave your comfort zone. Take time and give in only when both your mind and your heart tell you to do so. Don’t hurry love!

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