I was speaking to my cousin last night. He said two things two me. I have known it. But hearing it again, it hit me. Quite hard.
1. You can’t ever force someone to choose you over another.
2. When we are at a crossroad, and we have to decide, we choose that which we feel closer to.
When two people are in a relationship, it is unlikely that they will always be doing things together. They will have different likes, different friend circles etc. This said, the question that’s still plaguing my mind is – if one partner has the choice of giving his/ her time to the other partner vs giving it to someone/something else, what would he/she rather choose? And, if the choice, is usually the latter, then, when, the ball is in the other partner’s court, wouldn’t he/she also do the same?
Here’s why the answer is grey.
1. The partner has to realise (and often it is tough) that there will be some people who will be more important and hence they will be given greater priority. And this shall hold true no matter how much of time has lapsed. If the partner can deal with this, and rationalise it, then well and good. Else, it makes sense to step away from the relationship before it gets too bitter.
2. Just because one partner has a mindset that says that she would choose her partner over all else, it does not mean that the reverse will happen. Demanding the reverse to happen will simply cause bickering. Thus, the partner needs to maturely think about whether she can handle this or not at the initial stages of the relationship itself.
3. When two people become a couple, they become important to each other. So, if one partner finds that while she is making time I out for him, the other is pretty much, most of the time, choosing others (relatives and friends) over her, then it just means that the relationship is one sided and there isn’t much use to try and make it work.
4. If the couple has reached a stage of comfort zone where the initial wooing and heart fluttering is over, then often, we start taking each other for granted. That’s when it is possible that one partner feels that it is alright to take phone calls at the dinner table, not plan date nights, go punning with friends on weekends. It’s good to have a heart-to-heart then because soon enough there is a likely hood of a volcanic eruption of emotions.
5. If a couple is in a long distance relationship where they are communicating through all mediums virtual, and a chance comes to be together, then, most definitely, the partner should be chosen over all else. While it is true that one cannot ditch friends and family and become a loner just because one is in a relationship, there are ways to strike a balance. How about making a plan where both the partner and friends can be together? Surely you are proud enough to introduce her to your friends just as who she is!
6. A couple need not go hand-in-hand to every occasion. There are those times where only one would go. But there should be times when the two show up together as ‘together’. Just because one partner introduces the other to friends (and later to family) it does not mean that the latter would expect to stick around for every occasion that follows with with same group.
7. A partner can have expectations and she has the right to express it. While she should be mature enough to have grounded expectations, the other should be sensitive enough to actually hear her out and understand what it is that she is asking for. If she feels that she is not getting the importance that the relationship asks for or even that she feels insecure, then the other person should show her that her fears are baseless. And this should be done without anger, sarcasm, or even only words. Show her that she is the one.
8. I don’t know is about other parts of the world, but men in India, more often than not, have a huge ego. His ego makes them think that they will call the shots. So, they will meet when they want to, they will talk when they want to, they will be needy when they want to. Well, the list goes on. They are sensitive to their own emotions but rarely to the partner’s. Hence, they expect that their partner will always be around when they want and need but it is alright if the reverse does not happen. I have just one thing to tell them – times are changing.
To all the couple’s of the world, here’s what the deal is. You wooed and promised and that is how you are an ‘us’ today. Then, why do you even need to be told that you need to make your partner feel that you will choose him/her over all else? Why can’t you find a happy middle path? Why can’t you be more attuned to each other? Why can’t it always be about the ‘us’?
Go on and say this to your partner tonight. It is time that you did.
“Only you can make this change in me
For it’s true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do
You’re my dream come true
My one and only you.”
– The Platters
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