With all the stories that I am hearing, a very pertinent question is doing the rounds of my mind for the past few days. When a couple breaks up, why does the girl find it so difficult to move on? Why does his name/face not leave her mind? Why does she shed tears when she sees certain movies or hears certain songs that she associates with him? And all this despite the fact that she has broken up with him. Why is the ache within so torturous?
I know of people who know that their partner will not change and that the same issue will crop up when they get back together – and yet they get back together. She allows him a re-entry. And gladly so.
When we do this, are we giving a second chance to the man or to our faith that he will change and become what we want him to be? If it’s the latter, isn’t it unfair on the guy (even though he’s the one why we are in anguish)?
While one school of thought vehemently believes that what we are allowing back into our lives if a fictional image of the person we want our partner to become, there is another that believes, and to which I belong, that another chance is because she still loves him and she realises that she both needs and wants the person (and if that were not so, then after a few rounds of binge drinking, extra hours of work, shopping rendezvous, she would be able to get over the guy).
The question then, whatever the reason, is are we being fools since if this person has hurt us before or has been a jerk of another kind, he is most likely to do so again. Somewhere do the memories that we choose to remember play a part? If we control our mind to think of the happy thoughts, then with time, does the bad get wiped away? But, what about the times when there is to be a disagreement again in the future? Will it be a chain reaction of past adverse thoughts? Love, in a way, seems then to be is just a self controlled mind game.
The mistake that we often make is that in our search for the ‘perfect guy’ we tick off the check boxes in a hurry. What we don’t realise, or choose not to realise, is that in he dating game everyone wants to make a good first impression. It is not that he is wearing a mask and showing you what he is not. But, yes, he is putting in extra effort to say and do things just to make you and him ‘happen’. And thus, we latch into the ‘man of our dreams’. With time, as the pretences drop, we start seeing what he really is. I guess, then, only we are to blame because all his positives that we piece together is often what we pick and choose out from his complete whole. We construct a version of him that doesn’t last for long and then we get hurt.
The night hours after a break up is when we seem want our man back the most. That’s because those are the hours when the mind is busy throwing out the bad and remembering the times when he made us smile. In the moments when our body is tired and we are almost asleep, the mind does not have the energy to feel anger anymore. It wants to let go and think of the happy times. That makes us more sad. But, remember this – the man that night time sleep is creating is not who he is. It is what probably we wish that he is. So hold on to that message that you so want to send him and if your logical morning brain can think of him with love then, maybe, you can give him another chance. Else, no one is indispensable.
It could be that a guy feels the same, but I can’t give his perspective. So, any of you out there who want to share their thoughts, please do so.
You might like to read: